Chapter 567

Words of Wisdom from the Seat of a Tractor!!!

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered ... not yelled.

Meanness don’t just happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about, ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.

Timin’ has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly,

Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.

And, finally...

Some days all you can do is smile and wait for some kind soul to come pull your ass out of the bind you’ve gotten yourself into!!!!

This One Is Compliments of the Web_Magician

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee”s home phone number and was greeted with a child”s whisper.”Hello?”

“Is your daddy home?”he asked.

“Yes” whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mummy there?””Yes”

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes, “whispered the child,” a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy, “whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?”demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,

“The search team just landed a helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... “ME.”

This One Is Compliments of Bill

There was a little fly that lived in a butcher shop but he was so skinny because the butcher was extremely fastidious about keeping the shop clean.

Then one night when the shop was closed there on the butcher block was a chunk of bologna.

The little fly was so excited he flew down to the bologna and ate and ate.

He started to fly back to the ceiling where he lived.

He had eaten so much he could only make it halfway and had to land on a broom handle leaning against the wall, He sat there resting and looked back at the chunk of bologna. He decided that it was closer to the bologna than the ceiling and he seldom had chance like this.

He took off but he had over estimated his strength and fell to the floor breaking his neck.

It just proves the old saying.

Never fly off the handle when you are full of bologna.