Chapter 561

Pithy sayings

• As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. John Glenn

• When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. Desmond Tutu

• America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. David Letterman

• I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I’m a billionaire. Howard Hughes

• After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. Italian proverb

• Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. Betsy Salkind

• The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats. Jean Kerr

• I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. Zsa Zsa Gabor

• You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t. Jeff Foxworthy

• When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. Prince Philip

• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. Emo Philips.

• Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. Harrison Ford

• The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. Spike Milligan

• Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. Robin Hall

• Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror. Jean Rostand.

• Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

• We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. WH Auden

• In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. Jonathan Katz

• If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. Johnny Carson

• I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. Arthur C Clarke

• Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. Steve Martin

• Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. Jimmy Durante

• America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. Doug Hamwell

• The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. George Roberts

• If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport Jonathan Winters

• I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. Robert Benchley

• “My wife divorced me because of illness. She got sick of me.” Anonymous

Compliments of Anonymous

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A smaller tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, ‘Is that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that tree is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, ‘It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.’