Chapter 56

"Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol."

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta testimonial.

Here is her story:

While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.

This is compliments of Gary

A Zen monk walks up to a hot-dog stand and says to the seller: "Make me one with everything!"

The seller says nothing, but goes about making a hot-dog with mustard, ketchup, relish, salsa, mayonnaise, onions, sauerkraut and a dill pickle.

He hands it to the monk and says: "That'll be $5.97."

The monk hands the seller a $10 bill. The seller takes it, puts it in his till, and then goes puttering about, cleaning this and that, re-stocking the supplies, etc., etc.

Finally, the monk clears his throat, and when the seller looks over at him and raises an eyebrow, the monk says: "What about my change?"

The seller looks over his glasses at the monk and says reprovingly: "Change comes from within!"

These are compliments of davenothere

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"

"First Place!" said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"First Place!" answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:

"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio says "this is mine."

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.

A solution to the ISIS problem

The US Army announced today the formation of a new 900-man elite fighting unit, called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

These Mountain boys will be dropped off in Iraq, with plenty of cold beer, ammo, and gunships and have been given only the following facts about ISIS:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They hate beer, bacon, BBQ, pickups, nude women, rednecks, country music and Jesus.

AND

5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the ISIS problem in IRAQ to be over by next Friday.

Parking Tickets...

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "a****hole."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Shirley (my wife) called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with Obama 2012 stickers.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!