Chapter 552

Obscene phone call?

The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, “I bet you have a tight arsehole with no hair.”

Woman replies, “Yes, he’s watching TV. Who shall I say is calling?”

LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile of course!

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he canstop any time

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, ‘I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.’

The Arabs asked, ‘What are Commandments?’

The Lord said, ‘They are rules for living.’

‘Can you give us an example?’

‘Thou shall not kill.’

‘Not kill? We’re not interested... ‘

So He went to the Blacks,

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, ‘Honour thy Father and Mother.’

‘Father? We don’t know who our fathers are. We’re not interested.’

He went to the Mexicans, The Mexicans wanted an example - the Lord said ‘Thou shall not steal.’ ‘Not steal? We’re not interested.’

He went to the French, They wanted an example and the Lord said, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery.’

‘Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.’

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, ‘I have Commandments... ‘

‘Commandments?’ They said,

‘How much are they?’

‘They’re free.’

‘We’ll take 10.’

After closing time at the bar, the Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

“What’s up with the big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the Newfie replied.

“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“Yup,” replied the Newfie.

“How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.

“Watch,” the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment...

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,

“Cut it out, you asshole! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!”