Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
Chapter 551
These are compliments of the web_magician
More lawyer jokes...
Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested (they are gathering new material for future use).
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.
Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now she’s a loan shark.
Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.
Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.
Q: What’s worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting robbed—hiring an attorney to defend you and then getting jail time.
Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Q: What’s the difference between a dead snake in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can’t get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No? Good!
Q1: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
Q2: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.
Q: What’s black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyer’s word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.
Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer plays golf with the judge.
Q: When lawyers die, why do vultures ignore them?
A: Even a vulture has taste.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
A: There were two empty seats.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can’t understand.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What’s the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.
Q: What’s the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life support system.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: No changes occur.
Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
A: The vultures aren’t gagging over the skunk.
Q: What’s the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.
A1: How many can you afford?
A2: None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.
A3: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
A4: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb, then bill you for the privilege.
A5: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents and case law, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the printer’s ink cartridge, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
A6: You won’t find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you’re looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
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