Chapter 551

These are compliments of the web_magician

More lawyer jokes...

Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested (they are gathering new material for future use).

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.

Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now she’s a loan shark.

Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.

Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.

Q: What’s worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting robbed—hiring an attorney to defend you and then getting jail time.

Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.

Q: What’s the difference between a dead snake in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can’t get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No? Good!

Q1: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
Q2: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.

Q: What’s black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyer’s word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.

Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer plays golf with the judge.

Q: When lawyers die, why do vultures ignore them?
A: Even a vulture has taste.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
A: There were two empty seats.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can’t understand.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What’s the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.

Q: What’s the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life support system.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: No changes occur.

Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
A: The vultures aren’t gagging over the skunk.

Q: What’s the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.
A1: How many can you afford?
A2: None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.
A3: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
A4: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb, then bill you for the privilege.
A5: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents and case law, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the printer’s ink cartridge, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
A6: You won’t find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you’re looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.