Chapter 545

This batch is compliments of web_magician:::: Yes I realize there could be a few repeats...

400 One Liners ... yes 400!!!!!

1. I asked God for a bike, but Father Mulcahy said God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and went to confession to ask for forgiveness.

2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3. The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students passed the English portion of a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is.

4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

6. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

7. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

9. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

10. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

11. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

12. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

13. War does not determine who is right ¬ only who is left.

14. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

15. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

16. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

17. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

18. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

19. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

20. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

21. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong...

22. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

23. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

24. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

25. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

26. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean that one enjoys it?

27. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

28. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

29. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

30. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

31. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

32. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

33. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

34. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

35. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

36. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it ... so I said “Implants?”

37. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

38. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

39. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

40. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

41. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

42. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

43. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

44. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

45. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

46. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

47. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

48. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

49. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

50. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

51. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

52. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

53. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

54. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

55. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

56. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

57. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

58. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

59. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

60. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

61. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

62. We have more than enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

63. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

64. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

65. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

66. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

67. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

68. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

69. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

70. I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

71. I shouldn’t known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.

72. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

73. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

74. When in doubt, mumble.

75. I always take life with a grain of salt, ... plus a slice of lemon, ... and a shot of tequila.

76. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

77. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

78. Just remember ... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

79. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

80. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

81. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

82. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

83. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.

84. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

85. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

86. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

87. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

88. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

89. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket ... I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.

90. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

91. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

92. Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”

93. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

94. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

95. Some people hear voices ... Some see invisible people ... Others have no imagination whatsoever.

96. Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.

97. If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?

98. Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

99. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

100. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

101. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

102. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

103. When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

104. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

105. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time...”

A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit...”

106. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

107. You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’. Need I say more?

108. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

109. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

110. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

111. If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ... oh wait, he does.

112. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

113. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

114. George Washington said “We would have a black president when pigs fly!” ... well, swine flu.

115. Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.

116. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

117. Life’s a bitch, ‘cause if it was a slut, it’d be easy.

118. I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

119. You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.

120. Deja Vu ¬ When you think you’re doing something you’ve done before, it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.

121. The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

122. Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.

123. Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

124. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

125. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

126. By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.

127. Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?

128. If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between “shit” and “syphilis”

129. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

130. Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

131. I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

132. Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

133. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?

134. We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

135. Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”

136. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

137. Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.

138. Why didn’t Noah swat those two flies and the two mosquitoes?

139. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

140. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

141. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

142. You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘Fuck it ¬ just grab a pile of shit. We’ll get a bag at the airport’.

143. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.

144. Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?

145. Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

146. According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

147. I have all the money I’ll ever need ¬ if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

148. Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

149. Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna divorce her.

150. Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

151. Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap?

I carry a French’s yellow mustard jug in my purse and add some to any empties I run across, just to teach people a lesson in trust.

152. Well aren’t you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

153. The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

154. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

155. Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.

156. Join the Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

157. Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.

158. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

159. I don’t have an attitude; I have a personality you can’t handle.

160. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

161. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

162. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

163. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

164. There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.

165. We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour

166. America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

167. To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

168. Ask any chemist, alcohol is a solution. It is also a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

169. Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

170. Vegetarian: Native American definition for “lousy hunter”.

171. Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.

172. The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

173. It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.

174. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

175. Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

176. Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

177. The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

178. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

179. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

180. The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

181. Any time I go to a bar and see someone acting stupid I think “100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?”

182. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

183. A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.

184. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

185. Bill Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

186. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

187. For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.