Chapter 535

Aging gracefully:

1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!

2. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

3. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet...

4. I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!

5. When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation...

6. My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs working on.

7. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

8. The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes.”

9. I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do the second week.

10. Even duct tape can’t fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

11. Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

12. Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

This item is compliments of an Anonymous donor:

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, an American, a Kiwi and a Australian Woman, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The American woman said “Have you ever had a hug?”

The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Kiwi woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?”

The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Australian woman came to him and said, “Have you ever been fucked?”

The man broke into a big smile and said, “No.”

She said, “You will be when the tide comes in.”

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he’s driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.

The nurse asks him, “Kenny! What are you doing?”

Kenny replies, “Can’t talk right now I’m driving to Melbourne!”

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Kenny’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, “Well Kenny, how was your trip?”

Kenny says, “I’m exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.”

“That’s great,” replied the nurse, “I’m glad you had a safe trip.”

The nurse leaves Kenny’s room, and then goes across the hall into another patient’s room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

Shocked, she shouts, “Davo what are you doing!?”

To which Davo replies, “Shhh, I’m shagging Kenny’s wife while he’s in Melbourne.”

This compliments of Pepere

A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from Washington, DC, that included Hillary Clinton.

Clinton quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

The woman thanked her and started to leave, when she said, “I’m Hillary Clinton, and I hope you’ll vote Democratic in the next election.”

The woman laughed and quickly said, “I fell on my ass, not my head.”