Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
Chapter 535
Aging gracefully:
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet...
I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation...
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs working on.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes.”
I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do the second week.
</li>Even duct tape can’t fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
This item is compliments of an Anonymous donor:
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, an American, a Kiwi and a Australian Woman, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The American woman said “Have you ever had a hug?”
The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Kiwi woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?”
The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.