Chapter 532

This is compliments of John A. It could be a repeat but well worth a second look!!!

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost ... it’s a man thing.

When you have stopped laughing be sure to forward this on to others who would enjoy a good story.

This one is compliments of Anonymous.

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf so he puts his name down at the local Club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down, so off he goes down to the Club to ask the reason why!

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish Golf Club?

Scot: Aye, and I am as Scottish as ye are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot: Och, away with ye, I ken ye have tae be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen, and I ken ye have tae be a Catholic tae becoom a Knight of Saint Columba, but this is the first time I ever heard ye had tae be a complete prick tae join a Golf Club!!!

This is compliments of J. P.

The New Republican Truck

I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new F-150 aluminum pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck “feel” before they become old.

The salesman (a handsome, gay man wearing a “Hillary for President” lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its “wonderful” options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned, “This must be a Republican truck”.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

I explained: “If it were a Hillary truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round.”

This one is compliments of Paul:

Q. - What do you call “1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?”

A. - A good start.

(told to me by a high school chum who became a lawyer)