Chapter 530

Always trying to keep my friends informed and politically correct.

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, let it be known that Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as ‘HILLBILLIES.’

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore,

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUTWOMENAND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a ‘BABE’ or a ‘CHICK’ - She is aBREASTED AMERICAN. ‘

2. She is not ‘EASY’ - She is ‘HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.’

3. She is not a ‘DUMB BLONDE’ - She is a ‘LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.’

4. She has not ‘BEEN AROUND’ - She is a ‘PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.’

5. She does not ‘NAG’ you - She becomes ‘VERBALLY REPETITIVE.’

6. She is not a ‘TWO-BIT HOOKER’ - She is a ‘LOW COST PROVIDER.’

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUTMENAND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a ‘BEER GUT’ - He has developed a ‘LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’

2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ - He is ‘OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’

3 ... He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ - He ‘INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’

4. He is not ‘BALDING’ - He is in ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.’

5. He does not act like a’TOTAL ASS’- He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.’

(Loved this one!)

6. It’s not his’CRACK’you see hanging out of his pants - It’s ‘TROUSER CLEAVAGE.’

This is likely a repeat but it is worth a re-read

“As good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s.

The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in me favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

The Irishman swore every word was true.

“Did this actually happen to you?” asked the Englishman.

“Not me self, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

This one is compliments of John A.

Meet Phillip John Stroh

All seniors should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Phillip Stroh.

“Mr. Stroh, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.

“Mr. Stroh, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“I’ll be Ninety on July 22nd,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

“Oh, Mr. Stroh, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live almost 90 years and not have an enemy in the world?”

The old fella tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned to face the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all them assholes.”

Then he calmly returned to his seat.

This one is also from John A.

TICK WARNING

Please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list. if someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather, and asks you to take off your clothes and hold up your arms and dance around. DON’T DO IT IT’S A SCAM.

I wish I would have known this yesterday, I feel so stupid.