Chapter 53

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two best friends graduated from medical school at the same time, and decided that in spite of their two different specialties, they would open a practice together and share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: 'Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read:

"Catatonics and High Colonics" - no go.

Next they tried: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!

So they tried "Nuts and Butts" - no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.

"Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with this:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Specializing in Odds and Ends."

Everybody loved it.

The following are totally offensive and tasteless humor. Caution is advised.

1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Rick woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

4. "IT'S A BOY" I shouted, "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down Tom's face he swore he'd never visit another Thai Brothel.

5. Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver. and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Duluth.

6. A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

7. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!"

8. The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

9. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

10. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

11. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

12. I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

13. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

14. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

15. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

16. A Catholic boy in confession... ????????????

17. A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'