Chapter 525

This one is compliments of Al:

Confucius Did Not Say:

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And, Confucius Did Not Say...

“A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”

This One Is Compliments of Gary:

A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male. “What is that?” asked the child pointing to the penis. “Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie,” replied the mother. “I want one,” said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter’s attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. “I want one just like that,” she kept repeating. At last the mother said, “If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one.” “And if I’m bad?” asked the little one.

“Then,” answered the mother, “You will have many.”

“Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?”

“Yes. What can I do for you?”

“I’m calling to report ‘bout my neighbor Virgil Smith ... He’s hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hidin’ it there.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s house.

“Hey, Virgil! This here’s Floyd ... Did the Sheriff come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep!”

“Happy Birthday, buddy!”

Whoever said that rednecks weren’t sentimental?

This compliments of the ‘Shy One’

For all men and women that remember the past,

... how different we are.

A wife was curious when she found an old negative in a drawer and had it made into a print.

She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband.

When she showed him the photo, his face lit up.

“Wow, look at that!”, he said with appreciation,

“That’s my old Ford!”

This is compliments of the ‘shy one’:

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton Go Ice Fishing

How do you settle a presidential election when the vote is too close to call? With an ice fishing contest, of course!

After the first round of votes were counted, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were deadlocked. Instead of going through a recount, the two agreed to a week-long ice fishing contest to settle the election. Whoever caught the most fish at the end of the week would be the President.

The candidates decided a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin would be the ideal place. No observers were allowed on the fishing rounds, but both candidates would need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5PM.

After Day 1, Trump returned with a total of 10 fish, Hillary came back with nothing.

Day 2 finished, and Trump caught another 20 fish, but Hillary once again came back with nothing!

That night, Hillary and her cronies got together and accused Trump of being a low-life, cheatin jerk.

Instead of fishing on Day 3, they were just going to follow Trump to spy on him and figure out how he was cheating.

Day 3 finished up and Trump had an incredible day, adding 50 fish to his total!

That night, Hillary and her democratic buddies got together for the full report on how Donald was cheating. Hillary stood up to give her report and said, ‘You are not going to believe this, he’s cutting holes in the ice!’

And that, my friends, tells you all you need to know about the intelligence on the left side of the aisle!