Chapter 524

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there’s a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses ... On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest came in. I said to him: “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

He replied: “You moron, you’re on my side.”

This is compliments of John A.

Never ask a woman how she is doing when she is eating ice cream out of the carton.

Why don’t I have any tattoos? for the same reason you do not put bumper stickers on a Ferrari.

I want it all and I want it delivered. Bette Midler.

I might wake up early and go running. I may wake up and find I that I won the lottery. Same odds.

I put some Irish whisky in my coffee, BECAUSE IT’S IRELAND SOME WHERE.

I WONDER WHY WE ARE SO OBSESSED WITH FINDING LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS WHEN IT IS DIFFICULT TO FIND HERE.

I hate it when I gain 10 lbs. for a role and the realize I am not a actress.

if your cup is half full you probably need a different bra.

Some things are better left unsaid, which I generally realize after I have said them.

I don’t know which is longer a microwave minute or a treadmill minute.

My head says gym, but my heart says tacos

The following is compliments of John A.

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “what are the green fees?”.

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part ... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”