Jokes and Giggles
Copyright© 2015 by Jack Spratt
Chapter 523
The following is certainly not politically correct, if you are a bit squeamish just don’t read.
Female Jokes
What’s the definition of the perfect woman?
She’s three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth and her head is flat so you can put cocktails on it.
The sports model has pull-back ears and her teeth fold in.
The economy model - she fucks all night and at midnight she turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up to them and displayed his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady’s arms were too short to reach.
A man meets up with an old roommate whom he has not seen for many years.
The roommate has had a sex-change operation.
“Was it painful?”, asks the former.
“No, not really” says the second.
“How about when they cut off your dick?”
“No that really wasn’t the worst of it.”
“Really?” says the first.
“How about when they had to create the new hole? That must have been painful.”
“No the worst part was when they stuck the straw in my ear and sucked out half my brains.”
Why did God give women nipples?
To make suckers out of men.
Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostitute for the new season?
Because they needed two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Why are clams like women?
When the red tide comes, you don’t eat them.
How does a man know when he’s eaten pussy well?
When he wakes up in the morning and his face looks like a glazed doughnut.
Did you hear about the new video game for women only, called Dick-Man?
You put a quarter in and get fucked.
I’ve got a joke so funny it’ll make your breast fall off:
Oh ... I see you’ve already heard it.
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
What do you do when your Kotex catches fire?
Throw it on the floor and tampon it.
What’s 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?
Bo Derek getting older.
Did you hear about the new douche powder made of alum, LSD, and Kentucky Fried Chicken batter?
It’s uptight, outasight, and finger-lickin’ good.
What’s the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
They’re both fun to ride until a friend see you.
Why are women giving up bowling for screwing?
The balls are lighter and you don’t have to change your shoes.
What’s the difference between a job and a wife?
After five years, the job still sucks.
How do you make paper dolls?
screw an old bag.
What’s the white stuff you find in women’s panties?
Clitty litter.
Bumper sticker: Support E.R.A. - make him sleep on the wet spot.
What do you call a rehabilitation home for ex-prostitutes?
An all-the-way house.
Definition of a wife: “An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.”
How are an oven and a woman alike?
You have to get them both hot before you can stick the meat in.
Remember what’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Well, you know what’s worse than that?
Getting eaten out by Jaws.
What’s the purpose of a bellybutton?
To put your gum in on the way down.
Why was the stamp commemorating prostitution so unpopular?
You had to pay an extra ten cents to lick it.
What’s the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can’t hear an enzyme.
How do you make a hormone?
Put sand in the Vaseline.
What’s a cunt that talks back?
An answering cervix.
What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday?
Mikey ... He’ll eat anything.
What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive cream?
A spermicidal maniac.
Why do women have legs?
So they don’t leave snail tracks on linoleum floors.
What do you call a hooker with no legs?
A nightcrawler.
What do you call a girl who’s just been run over by a car?
Patty.
Why do female parachutists always wear pantyhose?
So they won’t whistle.
How do you tell when a woman is wearing pantyhose?
If she farts, her ankles will swell.
How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
Look for the dandruff on her shoes.
Why do women have 2 holes so close together?
In case you miss.
Why do women have 2 holes so close together?
So you can carry them home like a six-pack.
What do you call a female clone?
A clunt.
Why did the guy trade in his wife for an outhouse?
Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better.
Why is there a string on the end of a tampon?
So you can floss after you eat.
How does a girl hold her liquor?
By the ears!
How is a woman like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
How is a woman like an airplane?
Both have cockpits.
How is a woman like a road?
Both have manholes.
Which of the group doesn’t belong (eggs, wife, meat, blowjob)?
A blowjob because you can beat the others but you can’t beat a blowjob
Ladies, look down inside your shirts and spell the word attic out loud.
Three mysteries of women:
They can give milk without eating grass.
They can bleed for a week every month without dying.
(My favorite). They can bury a bone without getting their noses dirty.
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