Chapter 522

Always trying to keep my friends informed and politically correct.

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, let it be known that Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as ‘HILLBILLIES.’

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore,

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUTWOMENAND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a ‘BABE’ or a ‘CHICK’ - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. ‘

2. She is not ‘EASY’ - She is ‘HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.’

3. She is not a ‘DUMB BLONDE’ - She is a ‘LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.’

4. She has not ‘BEEN AROUND’ - She is a ‘PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.’

5. She does not ‘NAG’ you - She becomes ‘VERBALLY REPETITIVE.’

6. She is not a ‘TWO-BIT HOOKER’ - She is a ‘LOW COST PROVIDER.’

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUTMENAND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a ‘BEER GUT’ - He has developed a ‘LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’

2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ - He is ‘OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’

3. He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ - He ‘INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’

4. He is not ‘BALDING’ - He is in ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.’

5. He does not act like a’TOTAL ASS’- He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.’ (Loved this one!)

6. It’s not his ‘CRACK’ you see hanging out of his pants - It’s ‘TROUSER CLEAVAGE.’

This one is compliments of John A.

Meet Phillip John Stroh

All seniors should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Phillip Stroh.

“Mr. Stroh, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.

“Mr. Stroh, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“I’ll be Ninety on July 22nd,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

“Oh, Mr. Stroh, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live almost 90 years and not have an enemy in the world?”

The old fella tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned to face the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all them assholes.”

Then he calmly returned to his seat.