Chapter 502

This Item Is Compliments of Bill

Two men are flying along just above the tree tops doing a survey on the jungle flora and fauna. The engine sputters and the plane ends up atop a tree.

Unhurt the men climb down to a path below. They start walking. After three days of walking, the first man says[you know this is not so bad. It is always warm. There are plenty of nuts, fruits and berry's to eat. It is that I am just so horny.]

The second man says [maybe I can help you. I noticed a pit along the path a ways back. There was a female gorilla in it it. I bet that with some of the vines we can get her out and tie her to a tree.]

After a time they have succeeded and the gorilla is tied to a tree with many vines around her.

First man says [This will work but she is so ugly in the face.] second man [There is an old paper bag over there in the bushes we can put over her head.]

The first man smiles runs to the gorilla and starts having sex with her. The gorilla becomes excited and starts threshing around and soon both legs and arms are loose and wrapped around him. He starts screaming [Get it off, for gods sake get it off.] The second man runs over and tries to unwind her legs and arms. He hears;

"No, no, the bag, I want to kiss her!"

You can thank Al G. for this item, very educational!

Will Canada Build a Wall ... You Bet...

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal American immigration. The Republican presidential primary campaign is prompting an exodus among left leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and live according to the U.S. Constitution and not Executive Orders.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists and green energy proponents crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose farm borders North Dakota. "The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free range chicken. When I told him I didn't have any, he angrily left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal American aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them nonetheless. He then installed 5,000 Watt loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the border, but they just keep on coming.

Canadian officials are particularly concerned about American smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, promising them that they will be delivered to safe haven in Canada. They pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the batteries die. "A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though, and some kale chips, but they wouldn't share."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly fearing retribution from conservatives, who will make them work instead of providing entitlements. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the 1950s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on the Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," the official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage, buying up all the hip hop CDs, and renting all of the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't absorb and support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many inept art and history majors does one country need?

Rumor has it that England is shortly to blow up the Channel Tunnel but that's another story.