Chapter 501

These are compliments of the magician

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it, I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs, I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

6. I live in my own little world, it's OK, they know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas, I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal.

9. I don't approve of political jokes, I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce, his and the shithead bitch's - opps I mean witch's.

11. I love being married, it's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody and nobody is perfect, therefore, I am perfect.

13. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America???

15. Having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words, "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn, that was fun."

These are compliments of Dorsetmike

In the convent a young girl has just reached the end of her novitiate and has an interview with

Mother Superior;

"Do you wish to continue in the faith?"

"Yes Mother"

"OK, you will now be able to stop the duties you were tasked with as a novitiate, so that you have more time for your devotions"

"Oh! may I continue to bath the old abbott?"

"Why on earth would you want to do that?"

"Well Mother, he has this marvellous thing between his legs, he told me it was St Peter's finger, I sit on it every night and it's the most heavenly feeling"

"He said it's WHAT???????? He told me it was Gabriel's horn, I've been blowing it for the last 20 years!

The next girl comes in:

"Do you wish to continue in the faith?"

"I'm sorry Mother but no"

"So what are you going to do?"

"I've decided to become a prostitute!"

Mother Superior fainted When she came round she asked "What was that you said?"

"I want to be a prostitute"

"Thank the Lord for that, I thought you said a Protestant"

Meanwhile at the local monastery a young lad is being shown round at the start of his novice period; they come to a small room which he's told is the room for relaxation and entertainment, it's sparsely furnished, and has a barrel in the corner; he asks

"What is the barrel for?"

So the monk conducting the tour whips out his dick and shoves it in a hole in the barrel and soon starts moaning in ecstasy, then lets the lad try it.

"Wow that's marvellous, how often can I use it?"

"Any time except Friday afternoon" "Oh what happens Friday afternoons?"

"It's your turn in the barrel!"