Chapter 499

These horrible items are compliments of the ‘Shy One’

I apologize in advance for these, it was in a weak moment that I sent them. And remember I don’t write them I just pass them along

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.
Thus we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression; “He who has a Tates is lost!”

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King’s birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to fall down. The moral of the story is that people in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”

“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack.

So he says, “Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.”

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this.” And he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It’s bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and reports: “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this?”