Chapter 495

This is compliments of Jim7

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

A guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans is ahead of him.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.”

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the pilot, “Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter the Kingdom.”

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I’m Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.”

Saint Peter consults his list, and says to the priest, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

“Just a minute,” says the good father. “That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I only get cotton and wood. How can this be?”

Saint Peter says, “We go by results up here, people slept when you preached - people prayed when he flew.”

A classic.

A regular guy went out for an evening. Somehow he managed to get thoroughly mind-wiped and out of body drunk. He woke the next morning with no idea where he was, aware of a killer headache, a mouth like a buzzard’s crotch, and a weight on his arm. It took him a while but when he managed to turn his head to investigate, the woman on his arm was so unquestionably, stop-a-charging-moose ugly he was instantly sober, drenched in a cold sweat, and not breathing.

After getting himself under control, he slowly, carefully, excruciatingly quietly pulled his arm out from under the woman, then again with great and quiet care he dressed and headed for the door.

In a moment of decency he figured, whatever had happened, it was not all her fault. So he stopped by the dresser to take what money he had in his wallet and leave it in front of the TV.

Before he took another step toward the door he felt a tug on his pants cuff. Looking down, he made eye contact with a woman so monumentally ugly she made the one in bed look nice. Holding out her hand, the Troll Under the Bed asked, “Nothing for the bridesmaid?”