Chapter 493

This one is compliments of Mistwalker

You can skydive without a parachute!

You just can't do it twice.

This one is compliments of Dom;

Two Stoners walking down the sidewalk in a well soaked daze passed an elderly priest with his arm in a hospital blue sling. One of the Heads, remembering his younger days before the altar, asked, "Hey Faddah. How'd you break your arm?"

"I slipped and fell in the bathtub, boys."

The Heads continued onward. After half a block, one turned to the other and asked, "Man, what's a bathtub?"

The second dude pondered then replied, "I don't know. I'm not Catholic."

These are compliments of john a.

TWO CROCODILES

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."

The Difference between Grandpa and Grandma Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old grandson out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his grandson.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his grandson always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their grandson for his weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little boy anxiously ran upstairs to see his grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Not really, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, socialist left wing Obama lover, blind bastard, dip shit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went! We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun."

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?