Chapter 489

These are compliments of John A.

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, make sure you not just surrounded by Ass Holes.

Sigmund Freud

Why did the cows return to the Marijuana? It was the Pot calling the cattle back.

If someone tries to tell you that biscuits and gravy are not a real meal, stop talking to them, nobody needs that type of negativity.

I had a gold fish that could break dance on the carpet, But only for about 20 seconds. And only once.

To do list; list 4 baby pigs numbered 1, 2. 3. 5. then sit back and watch them look for number 4.

There are times when keeping my mouth shut is my greatest achievement.

No matter how big the hammer you cannot beat common sense in to stupid people.

Notice from the state of Montana

To all hikers and campers using this forest, BE WARNED that this area has a large number of bears, both black and grizzly. Due to the frequency of bear encounters, you should wear bells on you clothing or walking stick to warn bears of your coming. Your should also carry pepper spray to use if you are attacked.

You should be alert to bear activity and be able to Tell the difference between Black Bears and Grizzly Bear feces. Black Bear feces will have berries in it and may contain rodent fur. Grizzly Bears has little bells in it and smells like peppers.

Phyllis Dillerisms...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

Cleaning house while your kids are growing up is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they look just like me.

Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Phyllis Diller

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Phyllis Diller