Chapter 440

This one's courtesy of David

There was this painter who got hired by a well-to-do homeowner. He arrived in the morning to receive instructions. The homeowner invited him in and spelled out the task:

"I want you to paint the porch out front. I bought the paint for you and it's the best. Once it's on - it'll never come off. I expect this to take you all day but I am willing to pay very well."

About halfway through the day the painter came back - he was done.

"Wow, you're done? Great. Here's the money and a big tip for doing the job so fast."

The painter replied, "Wow cash - thanks. Oh by the way - that's not a Porsche out front. It's a Mercedes."

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "It does now."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."