Chapter 428

Crisis at the Canadian Border -

A Prescient Look at the Consequences of a Republican Win in November

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republican Presidential primary campaign is prompting an

exodus among left leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live according to conservative ideas about the Constitution.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. "The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.'s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

These are from a reader ... enjoy:

A shoe repair shop: We will heel you We will save your sole We will even dye for you.

A sign over a Gynecologists' office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.";

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels.";

On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels;

At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.";

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed.";

On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.";

At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout.";

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts.";

In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.";

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push.";

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.";

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.";

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!";

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.";

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.";

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait.";

At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank Heaven for little grills.";

In a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak.";

And the best one for last; Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"