Chapter 426

This is compliments of red

The O'Leary's emigrated to the US to give their child a better chance at life. Once settled, they enrolled their son in the first grade at the neighborhood elementary school.

The first day, the boy ran home and said, "Da! You're going to be so proud of me, Da. I'm the only one in my whole class that knows me numbers from one to ten!"

The boy's father said, "Sure and I'm proud of you boy! And do you know why you're so smart?"

The boy asked "Why, Da? Why?"

His father replied, "It's because you Irish, it is, lad. Because you're Irish!"

The very next day, the boy ran into the house and shouted, "Da! Da! I'm also the only one in my class who knows me letters from A to Zed. Are you proud of me, Da?"

"I'm really proudof you boy. And remember, it's because you're Irish that you're so smart!"

The third day, the boy came home and said "Da. We all went to the bathroom at school today and I looked to me left, then looked to me right and, Da, they are all so small and I'm so big! Is it because I'm Irish, is it, Da?"

His father replied, "For God's sake lad, it's not because you're Irish; it's because you're 18 years old!"

This is compliments of Zom:

Some insights from comedian Steven Wright:

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child ... eventually.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "the middle of August? Cool!"

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that far."

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?