Chapter 397

Two older women were talking about sex in their golden years.

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

'Gladys!' he exclaimed.' For heaven's sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in ... You look like an asshole.'

Police Report!!!!!

Husband:

My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?

Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:

Weight?

Husband:

Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:

Color of eyes?

Husband:

Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:

Color of hair?

Husband:

Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

Sergeant:

What was she wearing?

Husband:

Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:

What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:

She went in my truck.

Sergeant:

What kind of truck was it?

Husband:

A 2016 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special

ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air

conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which

has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and

"Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special

wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver,

23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power

outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has

custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up...

Sergeant:

Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

A manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm ... let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light, ' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!