Chapter 392

Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei calls Trump and tells him, "Donald, stay out of office. Because last night I had a wonderful dream. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Trump asks. Ali replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Trump says, "You know, Ali, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Ali asks.

Trump replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

This one is compliments of Chris

The swearing nun.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was, ' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that, ' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it, ' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee ... and this hole is a monster, Mother—540-yard par-5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green ... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted ... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it, ' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed, ' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either, ' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the fu*#ing putt, didn't you?'

Whenever possible, substitute constructions out of known entities for inferences to unknown entities.

—Bertrand Russell.