Chapter 391

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young Sister Mary Magdalene prepared the bath water and towels, just the way the old nun had instructed. She was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked her how the bath had gone.

'Oh, sister, ' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? How did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John asked me to wash him and he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.

Sister Mary Magdalene continued, 'Father John said that if the key to

Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. Then he guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to

salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell

my heart with ecstasy - and it did. It felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old bastard, ' said the old nun. 'He told me it was

Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years.'

Ralph and Charlie were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander, NL.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ralph said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Charlie says "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.The next morning Ralph wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings ... It's Charlie.

Charlie says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

"I feel great. How about you?"

Charlie says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Ralph says, "Nope, that jet fuel is great stuff; no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

Charlie says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing ... Have you farted yet?"

"No...

"Well, DON'T. I'm in Moose Jaw