Chapter 390

This one is compliments of Bob:

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.

To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says,

"In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

This one is compliments of Wayne

A friend told me that these new virtual Reality goggles will be the biggest cause of Erectile

Dysfunction ... I related to him that as a doctor, I see it all the time, and most are because of fat women or nagging wife ... To illustrate the research, i had two nurses working for me, One fat, but not ugly. The other very nice, and always wore short nurse uni.

Upon trying to diagnose ED, I FIRST have the Heavier one to help examine the patient, and most times, the penis stays down ... Then i have the Pretty nurse help with the examination, and almost always pops right up, big as ever. Many even have a bit of seepage ... While it is in the strong stage, i mention their wife, and it never fails to shrink back to small...

For those that still get Viagra, I tell them that if they have trouble and still hard after 4 hours, don't come see me,, Visit their neighbor's wife

This compliments of Anonymous.

Marge,82, and Herman,84, just got married in a small ceremony. During a short wedding trip they had dinner at a nice hotel restaurant and went up to their wedding suite. Marge goes into the bathroom, puts her teeth in a glass of water, puts on a long flannel nightie that has a row of small pearl buttons down the front holding it closed, then crawls into bed and pulls the bed clothes up to her chin.

Herman enters the bathroom, puts on his pajamas, goes and sits on the side of the bed. He unbuttons 2 or 3 of those small buttons, folds the gown back, opens a few more and turns it back some more. Just as he reaches for the last few buttons, Marge stops him and says; " Now Herman, before you go any further, you need to know that I have acute angina.

"God woman," says Herman, "I sure hope so 'cause you have the ugliest tits I ever saw."