Chapter 387

Employee Notice For Old People...

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPEDcan apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFTprogram (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTEDwill be reviewed under the SCREWprogram (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPEDonce, SHAFTEDtwice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who havebeenRAPEDcould get AIDS(Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDSor HERPESwill not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPEDand are staying on will receive as much SHIT(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHITyou can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

This one is compliments of Alex G UN Survey

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the U.N.

The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world."

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America and Russia they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent!

You have to be a Canadian to Appreciate this...

NDP Alberta Premier

Rachel Notley and her driver were cruising home along a country road in

Southern Alberta one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it, but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Premier Notley told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?," asked Notley.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."

"What did you tell them?" asked Premier Notley.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Alberta Premier Rachel

Notley's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."