Chapter 373

These are compliments of RabbiRabbit

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'

...

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,

'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

This one is compliments of Rrrosco

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: "Don't miss Jock The

Amazing Scotsman".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a new poster for the same circus and the same sign:

"Don't miss Jock The Amazing Scotsman" He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well laddie" said the Scot "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be"

This group is compliments of John & Beryl

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one get one free". "They're already buy 0ne get one free' she said' so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

"One day while walking along the beach with some friends one of them said look at that dead bird" Another looked up and said "where is it?"

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in her trunk.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now", she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

While working in a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.