Chapter 361

If anyone who doesn't at least crack a smile at this, check your pulse, you may be dead!!! For those who spilt your coffee when you got to the punch line a lesson learned, you shouldn't read and drink at the same time!!!

We were dressed and ready to go out for a dinner & theater evening.

We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parrot and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local taxi company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the parrot. My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night so, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-by to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.

"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard! She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.

YES MARTHA, THERE ARE BLOND MEN TOO

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do ... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".

The blond man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"

A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.

His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy!" he replies...

A blond man is in jail ... Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blond replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

( This one actually makes sense ... well, sort of... )

An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blond man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."