Chapter 359

This one is compliments of Dave:

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Splash a little watered down rusty red paint on the sidewalk.

5. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter"

These are compliments of Larry

--A farmer had 3 lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday night. One by one the local boys came by to pick them up.

The first boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going steady, is she ready?"

The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.

The second boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?"

The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way.

The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the door and said: "Hi, I'm Chuck"

The farmer shot him.

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service, and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything'."

The local restaurant was so sure that its host was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The host would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out of the squeezed lemon would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could get another drop out of a lemon after the host had squeezed it.

Then one day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. In a tiny, squeaky voice he said, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the host said, "OK," grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the little man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the host paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

On his way home from work at the Pentagon, a Marine colonel found himself completely stopped in a snarl of traffic. "Wow," he thought to himself, "this traffic is worse than usual. Nothing's moving." Then he spotted a police officer walking back and forth between the motionless lines of cars. The colonel rolled down his window and shouted out, "Excuse me, officer, what's the holdup?"

The officer replied, "The President is so depressed about the whole ObamaCare thing, all those rape allegations, and the military screw-up in Afganistan, he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his attorneys. I'm just walking around from one stopped car to another taking up a collection for him."

"Oh, really?" the colonel replied. "How much have you collected so far?"

The police officer glanced back at the colonel. "Well, so far only about three hundred gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning!"