Chapter 354

People of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Mormon's do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.

1 How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!

2 What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

3 How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

4 Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care.

5 If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have

you done wrong?

Made her chain too long.

6 Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably

never be able to support you.

7 Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer

to the kitchen sink.

8 Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

9 If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at

the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

10 Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...

It's called a Wedding Cake.

11 Why do men die before their wives?

Because they want to.

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who don't own a gun.

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language became

boiled down to four-letter words.

* A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

* "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

* "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

* "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

* "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

* "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

* "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

* "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

* "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

* "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

* "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

* "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

* "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

* "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

* "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

* "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

* "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

* "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

* "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

* "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

* "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

* "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

* "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx