Chapter 351

This one is compliments of Rrrosco

The Tunnel

Sitting on a train traveling through the Swiss

Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Aussie bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:

The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:

That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:

The Aussie bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Aussie thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that Fucking Kiwi again.

These are compliments of Gary...

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people: recite at a play and play at a recital? ship by truck and send cargo by ship? have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up and down at the same time and, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And while we're at it, why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all ... don't worry, more happy is coming!