Chapter 334

This one is compliments of John M

The following questions were set in last year's examination. Allegedly, these are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope).

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true).

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit).

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable).

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shriek wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

You realize, of course, that soon they will vote... !

This is compliments of the 'Shy One'

The regular taster at a winery died, and the director started looking for a replacement.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass of wine to try.

The drunk took a mouthful and said:

'It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.'

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass...

"This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, 8 more years for finest results"

"Correct."

A third glass...

"It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive." the drunk said calmly.

The owner was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant. And if I don't get the job, ... I'll name the father."