Chapter 326

Friendship, SCOTTISH STYLE...

Are ye tired of those weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship ... You will see no cute wee smiley faces on this card. Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.

1 ... When ye are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the bastard who made ye sad.

2 ... When ye are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye.

3 ... When ye smile -- I will know ye are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4 ... When ye are scared -- I will shake the piss out of ye every chance I get, until you're NOT.

5 ... When ye are worried -- I will tell ye stories about how much worse it could be until YE STOP YER WHINING!

6 ... When yer confused -- I will try to use only wee words.

7 ... When ye are sick -- Stay tae hell away from me until ye are well again. I dinna want whatever ye've got.

8 ... When ye fall, I will laugh me head off at you, you clumsy arse, -- but I'll help you up.

9 ... This is my oath -- I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; Because ... you are my friend.

Friendship is like peein' in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to ten o' yer closest friends, then get depressed because ye can only think of four.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out onto the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."