Chapter 322

This one is compliments of Earl John

Diary of an Englishman in Newman, Western Australia

August 31
Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home I love it here.

September 13
Really heating up now. It got to 31°c today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshiper.

September 30th
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35°c all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat crap. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
It feels like a giant fuckin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin' Perth.

October 30th
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fuckin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30.
Stupid repairman.

November 8
If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to fUckin' throttle him. FUckin' heat!
By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin' wet and I smell like baked cat!

November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my fuckin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

November 10
Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two fuckin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fuckin' place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin' pool.
The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!

November 20th
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. fuckin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented fuckin' idiot would want to live here!

December 1
WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin' kidding!

This one is compliments of Ed

Grandpa: Back when I was flying in the war, I had Fokkers to the left of me and Fokkers to the right of me. There were Fokkers all over.

Grandson: But Grandpa, you were in World War Two. The Fokker was used in World War One.

Grandpa: Yes, but you see, these Fokkers were in Messerschmidts!