Chapter 314

These are compliments of Bob:

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I'll inherit his large fortune."

Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe's stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!

Is Your Sister a Plastic Surgeon?

Lyle was hunting geese in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned his old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his Labrador, Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off, and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot into the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his ER doctor, Sven.

"Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you're going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal bleeding, and I vas able to remove all da buckshot.

"What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.

"The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Lyle. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

This one is compliments of RabbiRabbit

1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

2. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.

She's 25, and her name's Candy.

3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50.

It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead."

The operator says, "How do you know?"

The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

9. Lastly-- WARNING!!! IF YOU GET AN EMAIL TITLED, "NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON", DON'T OPEN IT. IT CONTAINS A NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON!