Jokes and Giggles

This one is compliments of Paul:

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.

On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian

Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine...

He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air

The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide,"what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

The aborigine replied,

"Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Baliant Ute. It's a red one� the left front tyre is bald.

The front end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel...

There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.

There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"God man, how do you know all that?," asked one.

The Aborigine replied ... I fell out off the pucken thing about half an hour ago!"

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This one is compliments of Bob

Sitting at the bar, sad Rob told the bartender that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement.

"Yeah," said Rob, "would you marry someone who didn't know the meaning of the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?"

"No way in hell" said the bartender.

"Well, said Rob, "neither would my fiancée."