Chapter 285

Sisters Celebrate their 100th Birthday

Twin sisters in an Irish Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE

SOFA!", said the other. "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer,

I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID

HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS! " With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US????"

Balls

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And...

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Ottawa and Washington playing marbles.

Catholic vocabulary test

AMEN:

The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN:

Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR:

A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN:

A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE:

Holy Smoke!

JESUITS:

An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH:

The original 'Jaws' story.

JUSTICE:

When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI:

The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER:

Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.

(The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW:

A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION:

The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL:

The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS:

People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David

Letterman.

USHERS:

The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top secret code words, the better off they are.