Chapter 276

This one is compliments of Beryl

Phil's Story - Possibly the Funniest Clean Story of the Year

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil."

The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Dear Family & Friends,

I am sorry that I have not been consistently responsive lately to your emails. I have been somewhat under the weather since my doctors informed me that I have an acute case of Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse Fatigue (PIST-AWF). For those of you who do not know what that is, PIST-AWF is a newly defined disease that is found to be widespread and highly contagious.

Symptoms include, but may not be limited to: Severe pain of the scalp from pulling your own hair while viewing the President pander to Muslim terrorists.

Loose bowels from swallowing the fact we elected Obama twice.

Extreme hunger due to vomiting from nightly seeing terrorists murdering innocent people.

If you feel you have Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse Fatigue, please notify your local election board and place your name on the list for a cure. It is expected, and sincerely hoped, that the cure will be available in November of 2016.

And I stupidly thought it was due to aging!

Makes one stop and think about what is important in life, as we mature.

As we get older, we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other seniors who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us cringe.

Harold Schlumberg is such a Person...

QUOTE FROM HAROLD : "I've often been asked,... 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well, I stay active and happy. I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer and scotch into urine. Then I take a jog out to the shed and pee on a picture of Obama. I do this several times every day. I really enjoy it and get my exercise too!"

Harold is an inspiration to all of us old folks.