Chapter 266

APROSDOKIANS* are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, and frequently humorous.

Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening, ' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR."

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

And ... Finally:

27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily... "What's up Bob?" asked the bartender ... It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."

"It's my five year old son..." the man replied.

"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? My lad's just the same - forget about it; it happens to boys that age," said the bartender, sympathetically.

"I only wish it was that," continued the customer, " but it's far worse than that. The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant."

"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the bartender.

"It's not," said the man. "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms."

This one is compliments of spocdaroc

A young female teacher was leading a Sunday School class for young children. "Class, today we are going to learn about 'The Resurrection'. Can anyone tell us what they know about resurrection?" the teacher asked.

A girl raises her hand, stands and says, "a man on the TV says if you have a resurrection that lasts for more than four hours you should seek medical assistance!"