Chapter 263

Thursday night he gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function & all around his head, hell of a pain over his left ear and a Drop Dead Gorgeous

Nurse hovering over him.

It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident. She looked deep & steady into his Eyes and he heard her slowly say,

"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

He managed to mumble in reply,

"Can I feel your tits, then."?

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 round magazine, and yelled, "Who in here has been sleeping with my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred!!!!!!

CHILDREN WRITE ABOUT THE OCEAN.

There's a lot going on in the ocean that we didn't know about!

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily

Richardson She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head...

(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?

Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass... (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown

I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean.

What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.

(James, age 7)

If you didn't chuckle at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humour.

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,

"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

This one is compliments of reltney

Bob and Tom bought a camel, and, since they had spent all their money on the camel, had no vehicle, and rode the camel all over. One day,

Bob leaned over to Tom, and observed, "Ya know,

Tom, I think there's something wrong with our camel!"

Tom, puzzled, replied, "Why do you say that? He eats ok, lets us ride him all over town, never seems unhappy. How could there be something wrong with our camel?"

Bob revealed, "Ya know, I have to wonder if there's a birth defect or something. I keep hearing people saying, just after we pass by,

'Hey! What's wrong with the two assholes on that camel!'".