Chapter 26

Compliments of Mark and I didn't put him up to this, it is his creation.

There's always a dozen of us blokes who were at the local pub, most nights after work, for one reason or another. Good beer drinkers, one and all. One was most memorable, and chap named Jack Spratt. Jack had the annoying habit of seeming to know, or claiming to know, everyone of any importance. He claimed to know, one night, after one or two, too many beers, Tony Abbot the Aussie Prime Minister. One of us told him he talked rubbish and brought him task on it. We all bet a hundred bucks each so Jack said, that he'd prove it, and once a few days later, Abbot was due in our city, Jack and a couple fellow imbibers met outside the building the idiot was going to open and the PM and Jack shook hands and they asked how they were each going as it had been ages since the last run a foot race together. He won the bet and collected a hundred bucks from each of us. We use those photos for a dartboard, next to the door to the pub's dunny.

Weeks later, something similar came up about President Obama and we all put in for Jack and two of our fellow drinkers to go to Hawaii where the Pres was having a week off. They went and we have the photos on the wall behind the main bar of the Pres and Jack embracing and having a marvellous time catching up on things. Jack won't need to work at his builder's labouring job for the rest of the year. Jack's no longer a mate of mine, the man's an arsehole who's costing me a fortune.

Now, Jack's Roman Catholic (don't take offense). He's not particularly devout but he uses the local church often during the year. The subject eventually came up about the Pope and Jack bragged, "who, you mean Jorge, me and Jorge use to do mass in Buenos Aires when I lived in Argentina, a few years ago." That caused an uproar as one can imagine. The whole pub put in to prove him wrong this time and me being on worker's compo at the time was given the job of accompanying him to the Papal City. They let him in the main door of the Pope's digs but wouldn't let me enter as they didn't know me which I thought ominous. Of course the Swiss Guards all knew Jack and I thought that a little suss but that night I made my way to a vast open arena which was crowded with wall-to-wall people. There on a large balcony appeared Pope Francis, and to my amazement that arsehole Jack Spratt. I was sure I was being set up so I asked the man standing beside me who that was on the balcony. He looked carefully and said, "Well I'm not dead sure who the person wearing white is but other man is Jack Spratt, an old friend of mine from when I lived in China."

Boom Boom! 😊

mthommotoo

Compliments of Dennis...

MY LIVING WILL:

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my coke.

They are SO on my shit list...

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those "F-- LESSONS" I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken "golf lessons" instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43...

The North Dakota Department of Labor claimed a small Bismarck farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Department of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

NCDL employee: That's the guy I want to talk to ... the mentally challenged one.

Farmer: That would be me.