Chapter 255

Apolitical Aphorisms

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these Election speeches,

There wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.

~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become Prime Minister or Premier;

I'm beginning to believe it.

~Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and

Your opponents will do it for you.

~Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel,

Go out and buy some more tunnel.

~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich,

By promising to protect each from the other.

~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us,

I will stop telling the truth about them.

~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter

To be left to the politicians.

~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead! Of giving a politician the keys to the city,

It might be better to change the locks.

~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.

~Will Rogers~

These are compliments of Rrrosco

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says,

'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts

God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?

I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!

Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly, ' says the Angel, 'but even in

Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.