Chapter 240

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH #2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."

the Five Rules to Remember in Life

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

AND A BONUS RULE:

6. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex;
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!

This one is compliments of john

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?"

I looked at her, and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond.

Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it 'Pumping Rust.'

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'An ambulance.'

Birds of a feather flock together and then potty on your car.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble...

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs... '

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.