Chapter 220

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.

All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

These are compliments of mike

A bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,

Do you want the winner of the next race?"

Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.

Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going ... the driver won £52!

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.

He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "is it tickin?

Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.

The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.

Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya tink ya doing?"

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.

They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the

Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.

3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.

2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.

Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."

Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."

Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him.

"Did you find the shampoo?"

Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and

I've just wet mine.".