Chapter 218

Phyllis Dillerisms...

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

-Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

-Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.

-Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

-Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

-Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

-Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

-Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

-Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

-Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

-Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

-Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.

-Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

-Phyllis Diller

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

-Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

-Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

-Phyllis Diller

Best senior pick up line:

A very elderly gentleman, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He was in his mid nineties.

He was very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave.

He presented a very well looked after image,

Seated at the bar was an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties).

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits along side of her.

He orders a drink.

He takes a sip.

He slowly turns to her and says,

"So tell me, do I come here often?"

I am a "Seenager" (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

I don't have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don't have a curfew.

I have a driver's license and my own car.

I have ID that gets me into bars and the Beer Store.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.

And I don't have acne.

Life is great.