Chapter 213

"Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?

"Hello Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with "the girls" a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER

8 years old,

Hateful little bastard.

Bites!

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale...

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100...

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.

****AND THE WINNER IS ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement Of The Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell crocodile?

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie ... Always say, 'I am. MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.

Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.

Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!)

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH

These are compliments of robcan57

Little Johnny's sitting on the ground playing with his toy semi when little Mary walks up and sits down with him and asks him what he's doing, he reply's, I'm a truck driver and this is my truck.

Mary is sitting cross legged with no panties on so

Johnny has a very good view. Mary sees where he's looking so she asks him if her likes what he sees, naturally Johnny says yes, so Mary asks him if he wants to fuck her and is shocked when he says no, she asks him why not, Johnny answers, I told you

I'm a truck driver, not a dispatcher!

Old man walks into the local whore house, the madam asks him what she can do for him, he says

I've got $100 and I wanna get fucked, she takes his money and leads him to a door, tells him to walk thru there, he goes thru the door only to find himself in the back alley. Thinking there's been a mistake he walks back around the building and in the front door, the madam seeing him says, what can I do for you?, he says I told you I wanted to get fucked, she says, what? Again?