Chapter 208

These are compliments of KP

This could be a repeat but is worth another glance ... Jack

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me ... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

So the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Tarzan & Jane are swinging through the trees one day, with Tarzan repeatedly making his jungle call.

Suddenly he lets out an almighty ear-splitting shriek.

He turns to Jane and says "Jane, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times ... GRAB! THE! VINE!!!"

-- and two that go together

Q: Why do elephants paint their balls red?

A: So they can hide in apple trees.

Q: How did Tarzan die?

A: Picking apples.

Building Permit

Some have asked what I've been doing in retirement. Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft. tall and 400 ft. wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.

The City Council told me; "Forget it ... AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!"

So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque."

Work starts on Monday. And here is the best part, it's going to be tax exempt!

I love this country. It's the government that scares the shit out of me!

This one is compliments of Chuck

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.