Chapter 204

Depressed?

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) they said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, the Government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

Now, in Canada, we can only retire at 67, not 65. The government officials get the big bucks in their pocket and can retire at 55 with full protected pension while the taxpayers, us, slave for pennies and they're even getting rid of them. Go figure.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Old Age Security, retirement funds, etc, I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 3 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could fly a plane or drive a truck.

Folks, we're screwed

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

© Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

© The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor. This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large,

We withheld the statistics on Lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

This one is compliments of tony

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse...

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'